Assuaging the Pressures of the Sandwich Generation
by Marj Lewis Steinfeld, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist
The greatest challenge for the present generation is finding a balance between raising a family and caring for elderly parents. Baby boomers are particularly affected by this phenomenon because for the most part, we are choosing to bear children later in life (due to developing careers before marriage) juxtaposed against the aging population enjoying longer life. So while pre-baby boomer parents were frequently finished raising children by their late 50's, today's baby boomers find that their role as parents is not over by their mid 50's, and moreover they are now called upon to simultaneously care give for an aging parent.
Since the caregiver is often a family member, and usually a woman, there are often "extra" emotional demands placed on her. Luckily most women are expert in multi-tasking, but unlike childrearing, caretaking for an elderly parent is often a thankless job, with little visible reward.
The challenge is how to creatively juggle the demands of one's child, parent, and often spouse. We inevitably find ourselves in the position of determining whose needs are greater at any one moment, which often causes tension and self doubt. Questions abound including:
- Who's entitled to my best time?
- How many people can be dependent upon me?
- So how much sacrificing is "enough" for our parents?
- How far must I go to demonstrate my love for my parent, without bankrupting my family's time and financial reserves?
- Will I have time to recoup my time and finances for my family and children?
- Will my quality of life be severely curtailed if I take my parent in?
- Should I be saddled with primary responsibilities because I'm local?
The road to `care giving enlightenment' involves questions like; can one do this well and at what cost, emotional, physical, financial, et al? We need to come to decisions that help us strike the delicate balances necessary for healthful living between all of the issues that are integral to the problem of limited time, energy, and resources.
The psychological components that the caregiver faces include possible shock at changed circumstances; i.e., facing her parents' failing health, which subconsciously translates into a fear of her own mortality. Her parent heretofore has acted as a buffer between herself and death ultimately; so the stark realization that her parent is now losing ground and approaching death wreaks havoc on her notion of a healthy, intact family unit. And now that she is responsible, she must make choices--all of which bear consequences. She must deal with the various aspects of role reversal and the conflicts that arise out of unresolved prior relationship issues between parent and child. Much of the ambivalence about care giving comes in the form of fear - living resentment, guilt, anger, and financial burdens.
It is critical then that families discuss the aspects of care-giving, including:
- Will the parent be housed in an independent facility, or is one child prepared to take him or her in?
- Who will be ultimately responsible for the day-to-day decisions?
- Who will render what services, and how will they be paid?
In this country we have found solutions to housing the elderly in independent, assisted and nursing home facilities, but there is a dearth of information regarding how to emotionally support the caregiver. As such, the caregiver is the one person that ultimately loses, as there is too little time, if any, to replenish their physical, emotional, and psychological needs.
The emotional burdens arise from financial concerns, time constraints, willing or unwilling intentions, and the inevitable fears that drive our behaviors. Where will I get support for all the energy I'm expending, often without recognition? The question that begs to be asked is "who will be there for me?" This evokes a feeling of compassion, in the knowledge that we'll all be there some day. But to what end does that compassion propel us?
Suffice it to say, there are many more questions than answers. Let's cut ourselves some slack, realizing there is no roadmap. The fact that more people are affected will bring about support for both the elderly and those who are in the position of taking care of them. However, in the interim, we can extend a measure of patience to all those in our sphere of influence that are caregivers. So, give a caregiver a hug today. And start the dialogue within your family now to better ensure a psychologically healthy future, for all involved.
Dr. Steinfeld has been in private practice for 22 years in Wayne, NJ. Her expertise is in adolescent and adult psychotherapy, working with individuals, couples (heterosexual and homosexual) and parent/child relationships. She can be reached at 973-831-8315.
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